It Was a Rough Year

Well, the title should say it all.  I’m not making excuses; it truly was a rough year.  Shortly before my mom’s cancer started to spread, and the treatments left her no quality of life.  So, she decided to discontinue them.  My sister and I had major fights over whether or not she should drive, what kind of home care she should have and such things.  Then as it progressed and got worse, it was what the PT was going to be and the home help with showering and cooking, home nursing and treatments she should have. 

Then the company that was caring for her said she shouldn’t leave the state.  That wasn’t acceptable to my sister who lives in NY.  I arranged a team meeting with each part of the managing team to explain to her that this was how it was, only to have her sign her out of their program.  Within a couple of weeks, my sister had moved my mother to NY with her.  Where she was set up with much of the same care and same policy, accept now she couldn’t come to PA.  Which was fine.  So, I would go to NY to visit most weekends.   

There were two instances that I did something that my sister didn’t like, I seem to only remember one of them right now.  It might have had to do with my mom’s care. More on that in a minute. 

After the first disagreement, I was told that I had to return a loan that she gave me to pay off bills and get a clean slate to start to pay everything down.  And, I was to never come to her house again.  She never wanted to see me, not for holidays or anything.  This had to be sometime in the end of February or the beginning of March.  I told her fine, but she had to tell her adult children and my mom, why I wouldn’t be there.  In another week and a half or so she called me and said I should come for easter as it might be mom’s last holiday.

The second time was when she went on vacation to her house in Bethany Beach De.  I was taking on, the care of my mom for my spring break so my sister could go on vacation.  I didn’t mind, but it was uncomfortable at times.  Bathing her.  Helping her in the bathroom.  Getting dressed in the morning. 

I had recently added marijuana to my anti-depressant and to help to control my panic attacks.  I didn’t have anything to smoke with so, I looked in my nephew’s room for a pipe or rolling papers only to find some gummy’s.  So, I figured better than nothing and took one.  Well, I had no idea what I was in for.  It was a huge dose 3oo mg and exasperated the panic attack.  It was terrible.  My niece came over unexpectedly as it was winding down.  I asked to check on my mom, to make sure she took her meds and got to bed ok.  She did, and I didn’t give it another thought.

Don’t get me wrong, I smoked a lot in high school and into my early 20s. And drank and tripped and smoked angel dust and took quaaludes and speed and mescaline and a host of other drugs.  I wasn’t totally new to this experience.  But I had never taken that much THC at once.

The next morning, I got a phone call from my sister telling me to pack my things and leave.  I had no idea what was wrong.  It didn’t take me too long to figure it out.  My niece told my sister how high I was, and that was the last straw.

My god, writing this I’m starting to realize how bad it really got.  There were fights about her going to Hawaii, who should care for her when she did go. There were arguments about the funeral expenses, the insurance money, she decided to have someone come in and auction my mom’s belongings.  Then anything that was left she had them get a dumpster and threw everything else away.  I couldn’t believe that she would just throw everything out.  Not the salvation army, or goodwill, or a church sale.  My mom’s precious belongings, her hope chest with our baby teeth went in the garbage.  It broke my heart. 

We’ve made our peace, but I don’t think it’ll ever be the same. We celebrated Christmas together.  I had to work for Thanksgiving, so I missed that holiday.  My mom’s birthday just passed, and I worked for that too.  I did have a melt down that night and feel I’m about to now as well.  So, I’ll pick this up with some of the other changes later in the week.